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Postcard Before the Rapture

April 22, 2011

I like the idea of the Rapture: the moment when all of the righteous will be picked up like bowling pins while the world is destroyed and then set down again on a clean surface.  I hope I am among them.

When we are set down again we will start over.  I imagine we will be wearing our regular clothes, or some provisional dress they hand out right before the event:  a sort of hospital gown of heavenly issue.

When we come down again we will want to look different and we will have other needs. There will be businesses to establish and stores to open, and plenty to keep us busy. Being the righteous, we will do it right the first time and not make mistakes. All of those books on management, we will have read them while we were waiting.  Thus prepared, we will burst on the scene extra virtuous and radiantly competent.

Frankly, I look forward to it.  I am hoping I get to stay with my friends, though some of them may not be righteous and therefore may not make the cut.  Too bad for them; I enjoyed their company while we were together on earth.

I am wondering who decides because (and I hope this is not blasphemous) the Rapture is kind of like a Santa’s list for grownups, and we all know how long that takes to figure out.  I look forward to greater efficiency, fewer television channels but those we do get will be quality.  Better appliances, for sure; I have a feeling they are working on this already.  I am just hoping they can lick the customer service conundrum. Like, can people figure out how to take care of complaints?

I’m asking is it possible, before we set ourselves down again, that we get a few things sorted out? Stockings for women, for example. Love: I think we could do better. Taking care of old people: better. And children. Lose the big box stores. Keep the Truffaut movies. Languages: the more the better. Keep lavender, and the little blue flowers. What are they called? I forget, or maybe that’s a clue.

Arugula: I know it’s a yuppie green, but as far as I’m concerned it can stay.  Oh, and baby goats. They are the cutest. I heard Disney drew cartoon animals to look like babies because that makes them automatically more adorable. Wine. Where would we be without wine? And it’s corollary, good strong coffee. Not the drek poured in diners they claim is the world’s best coffee, but the kind you make in your kitchen, with your eyes half-closed, just to open them.

If anyone is listening, we could do with a little less concrete. Feel free to add to the list. I’m just painting with a broad brush here. Keep the birds in the sky and let them still walk around on the ground, pecking for worms.

I realize some are not anxious about the fate of the earth. I’m sure some folks are saying: Heck! why not go straight to paving it over? It would be cleaner, easier to get around, and flatter, more like a bowling alley. But I say no — let’s not do that quite yet.

Let’s just have a little talk and call it continuous improvement.

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