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Heartbreak Relief

February 14, 2012


It only seems fair that since this column first appeared during a particularly festive time in December and may have lost its poignancy amid the cheer, I relaunch my campaign for heartbreak relief on Valentine’s Day, the heart’s most treacherous holiday.  More hearts have been broken in between one Valentine’s Day and another, they hardly seem worth counting.  But the damage is real, and friends, you can help.

I’ve not read all the fine print about the health care bill, but I say if nothing else it should cover heartbreak.  You heard me right.  Heartbreak is a killer, and we’re all expected to recover from it BY OURSELVES, with no help from the government? Come on.

Here is my special section for which I ask nothing but to be the first patient: the Heartbreak Relief Plan. Under my plan, victims of heartbreak will be identified immediately and transported by helicopter to a special tent in the desert, where they will spend days lying in beds they could never otherwise afford as they are caressed by mild breezes and soothed by inoffensive music, custards and the occasional palm of a nurse on the forehead.  Every American has experienced heartbreak once or twice in his or her lifetime and if he or she hasn’t, he or she is either a freak or an inflictor of heartbreak for whom I have devised a system of retribution that will be the subject of a future bill.

How long patients will remain in the Heartbreak Tent depends on the severity of the condition, but I’m thinking at least three days.  This is not an outpatient procedure.  Still, I believe we can achieve an economy of scale, given the sheer number of patients we will have to accommodate.  Aside from state-of-the-art private rooms for the most afflicted, the look and feel of this center will most closely resemble a Civil War field hospital complete with rows of beds filled with patients wailing softly, the cacophony of weeping melded with the soft murmuring of nurses who – by the way – will be wearing uniforms evocative of an earlier time, sections of which float and lift nicely in the desert breeze.

When you are ready to be released you will receive a certificate to frame and put on your wall.  If that is not enough, there will be no charge for return visits should a mild heartache overtake you, though you may be asked to take the train.  As an otherwise proud citizen I have cleared away my tears long enough to draft this appeal, so that all Americans in this wretched state will receive the comfort they are due.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2012 8:07 pm

    absolutely a necessity….

  2. Christina root permalink
    February 14, 2012 9:04 pm

    Love it.

    Maybe it would be more feasible to purchase a time share tent.

    Love you

    • February 14, 2012 11:25 pm

      There’s no getting around it: someone needs to foot the bill so we can all be there together.


  3. February 14, 2012 10:59 pm

    I suppose it goes without saying that those custards are chocolate. Sign me up.

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