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On Facial Treatment for Ladies

February 25, 2012

I am going to a party tonight and it is not every day I go to a party to which I will wear — or as the young people say, rock — a velvet dress. As it happened I am reading Ovid (The Erotic Poems) and stumble on his prescriptions for beauty. Lucky me. Now you might say: Ovid! What are his creds? to which I say Ovid is a lover of women and as such, he makes it is business to get all up in our business, including our complexions. That’s his niche. Let’s give a big shout-out to Ovid for his take on staying foxy:

Let me show you how, when you first wake in the morning your face can be bright and fresh. Take imported Libyan barley, strip off its outer husk and chaff, measure two pounds of stripped grain, and add an equal measure of vetch steeped in ten raw eggs. Let this mixture dry in the air, then have your donkey grind it slowly, taking the rough quern round; prepare two ounces of powdered hartshorn, taken from a vigorous stag’s first fallen antlers; stir this well into the powdery meal, then sift the mixture, at once, through fine-meshed sieves. Take twelve narcissus bulbs, skin them and pound them (Use a marble block); add them in, with two ouncees each of gum and Tuscan spelt-seed, and a pound and a half of honey. Any girl who uses a face-pack according to this prescription will shine brighter than her own Mirror.

The donkey is grinding my vetch right now.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 25, 2012 3:08 pm

    That does it, I’m definitely going to Mishawaka this morning. I’m sure they sell that at the mall!

  2. Jan Baiden permalink
    February 26, 2012 7:06 pm

    Move over Estee Lauder, I see a real business here. (Is the vetch organic?)

  3. Matt Nicodemus permalink
    February 26, 2012 11:11 pm

    And when Ovid’s ladies were impatient to put on their faces and the donKey was taking way too long, they’d sit around complaining to each other, hence the word “kvetch”.

  4. Matt Nicodemus permalink
    February 26, 2012 11:15 pm

    Further fascinating study shows that the vetch was dug up from under the ground by a special breed of canine, who their lovely masters would call to the task by yelling out the object of their trained desire. From that evolved “Fetch!”

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